(Editor’s Note: This is the third installment by an anonymous student at the University of Texas at Austin. SeeThruEdu has verified that he is in fact a current UT student.)
I have found the perfect university, and it is right here in Texas! It’s a fantastical place where the Tower is always orange, the sun is always shining, and the sports team is always winning. Better still, the students are always smiling and lounging on the South Mall. “Why?” you might ask. It is simple. Everyone here has an A! And not just an A, but an easy A. Come, let me show you how easy it can be to go to Texas’ flagship university without any effort or struggle.
At UT, we have made the laborious process of picking classes easier. No longer must you spend hours looking at schedules, reading syllabi, or listening to what fellow students have to say. Oh no. Not here. At UT, we have funded a website, MyEdu, which will choose your classes for you. It is simple: just type in the classes you need for your degree, press one button, and out comes the perfect schedule with the highest possible GPA. No thinking, no problem. It is that easy to get a high GPA!
With this easy website, we have compiled the real grades of tens of thousands of UT students. We have created a statistically proven way to boost your grades without any extra effort on your part, of course. For example, why would you ever even think about taking your Core Curriculum English Class with Dr. Richmond-Garza, who only gives out 26% A’s, when you could take Dr. Hinrichs who gives out 67% A’s for the very same course? What a silly question! Never mind the fact that Dr. Richmond-Garza is one of the best English professors at UT, having taught for decades and received numerous teaching awards, whereas Dr. Hinrichs is an assistant professor who just recently got his Ph.D. That doesn’t matter. The only thing to take into account is the grade. You are almost three times as likely to get an A or A- in Dr. Hinrichs’ class as in Dr. Richmond-Garza’s class. So, take Dr. Hinrichs’ course. It’s easier, and easier is always better, right? And smarter too, since it has been demonstrated that Dr. Hinrichs has three times as many smart students as Dr. Richmond-Garza! Moreover, since you are more likely to become a smart student in Dr. Hinrichs’ class, it seems obvious that Dr. Hinrichs deserves a higher score when it comes to professor evaluations. After all, student evaluations of professors are very important for the promotion and tenure of Dr. Henrichs.
Next, you need to take your Core Curriculum American government class. One professor gives over seven times more A’s than another professor. Easy choice, once again. Then again, it really isn’t a choice, is it? A computer statistically produced this schedule for you; thus, there is no room for error. There is also no reason for you to read the syllabus; we don’t even put it on our website. We only include important things on our website, namely, grades. Student feedback, too, is absolutely unnecessary; we hide them away at the bottom of the page. All it takes is just one look at our prominently displayed charts, and it is easy to see: the only thing that matters is an easy A. Anything else is unnecessary and overly complicated. Syllabi and student feedback give us headaches and we don’t want headaches—we just want A’s.
Last year, the average GPA of a freshman at UT was a 2.73. However, by using MyEdu, you have a schedule designed to get you, on average, a 3.5. See, at UT, you can be mediocre and still be way above average! You can raise your GPA almost an entire point–that’s a full letter grade. Instead of earning a B minus average, you can earn an A minus average. Wow! What a difference! There really is no question whether or not you should use MyEdu. Why would you choose to get a 2.73 when you could just as easily get a 3.5—all for the very same freshman courses? By using this website and learning this neat trick, you are really making the smart choice. And we all know that employers love smart students. Thanks to MyEdu, you need not be mediocre anymore!
Wonderfully, this is the process that has already been used by nearly 80,000 Longhorns for picking classes. We ask you to pay no attention to those spoilsport critics that say that MyEdu is exacerbating an already chronic problem at UT. Why would anyone ever want to stop grade inflation? Also ignore those pesky studies which show that UT is failing to increase students’ critical thinking, complex reasoning, and writing skills during their four years in Austin. It’s not like that’s the fundamental task of an institution of higher education. And please do ignore those curmudgeonly critics who find it unnerving that UT would fund a website that is being used to manufacture such easy course schedules. In reality, critics are missing the big picture. In turning mediocre students into A-students, UT is proving to all the naysayers that it truly knows how to be a “university of the first class.”